How does your father see you?

My father still calls me Will or Billy, names I stopped being years ago. Our conversations always drift back to a time when I was still a boy, a child; his son.

You see, it is as if my father took a mental picture – a snapshot if you will – of me as a children.  I was probably 4-6 years of age.  My father was most comfortable relating with me from this space (he the adult, I the child).  He still relates this way some 44 years later.  It is impossible for him to see me for who I am today.

This is my biggest charge in relating with both my parents – They never saw me as a child.  They cannot relate with me as an adult today.

How do you relate with your parent(s)?  How does your father see you?  Your mother?  Can you be complete and uncompromising in their presence?

This is my work.





To accept or to push – what is the limit?

“If I return to Europe I’ll be bored sick straight away,” she said. “Here I am fighting for a revolution, for freedom, equality. I can die and know that I’ve lived.”

Kimberley Taylor, foot soldier for YPJ, Northern Syria

I am, a big believer of using challenges to engage my will power.  But as I sat at home today on a rather snowy spring day, the following question arose in me in contemplation – at what point do I stop pushing and accept the reality of my life or situation (or both).

Very early on in my life, I came to the conclusion on how I didn’t want my life to look – estranged from others, struggling with money – leading a quiet life of desperation.  It took awhile to realize with all of the energy focused on what I didn’t want, I was neglecting the opposite possibility; how I did want my life to look?

So about 12 years ago I began to make radical changes in my way of being in the world.  I stopped lying to myself and made  difficult decisions that had an impact on the lives of people I loved.  If a challenged brought fear up in me, I moved into the fear  to break the “old beliefs” that had been apart of my psyche.  Like a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to another, I wanted to find the equilibrium that would bring balance to my life.

So as the snow falls, I can feel that I’m still in motion; swinging with life’s ebb and flow.  Wondering:

Do I keep pushing for the change I want to see?


Do I accept what is there and stop the swing?

Watching the flakes whirl about as if possessed by some devilish dance.  I can’t help but imagine that I too am whirling through space looking for what it means to be alive.  What is the edge I must walk to feel life, yet at the same time, be able to accept what lies before me.  A place where I know that I can see both possibilities – to stop the swing or to push forward.

Gladly, this is a choice that I can make and not a choice made for me.  For some of us, we are whirled about not by choice, but rather by the actions of others. There is nothing to contemplate.

Can I accept that?

The Story of My Life : The Observer

An opportunity has come my way in the form of a new business venture.  I’ve been hired to deconstruct a long time concept and build it into something new and dynamic.  But being a start-up, we lack cash flow.  My current pay barely covers my monthly expenses.  Not an ideal situation for someone with money issues.

In the past, living this vicariously close to the edge would have driven me nuts.  My old belief, that I’m not capable with money, would be activated and directing me in my decisions-making patterns – e.g. no money, when do I cut bait?

But I want to deconstruct my beliefs, so in this instance, this means being more of an observer (vs. a reactionary).  Instead of me running my system on stress and anxiety, I’m actively stopping to question where I’m at.  I observe my reactions from a different place.  For example:

Old: I’m  frustrated       New: What are my alternatives?

Old: Money is tight       New: what comes alive in me?

Old: The glass is half empty        New: what if the glass is half full?

I observe how I experience me.  I listen to my instincts (which engages my will), then I take action – my actions.  No more doubting, reacting or being a victim of circumstance.  The deconstruction has begun.

How much this new venture will grow (financially) still remains to be seen.  It takes time to rebuild a business.  But if my ability to stop and re-write my inner narrative (about me and my process) is any indication of things to come.  Then my future definitely looks bright.

The stories of my life

It’s fathers day and we are all wounded…Leonard Cohen

What are the stories you believe to be the narrative of your life?  Was have these stories done for you?

I have worked on this theme for some time now.  I have come to learn that often, what we think, directs our life outcomes in ways that are actually counter-productive to our betterment.  Our lives are never as full or as satisfying as we think they should be.  Our gifts, for the most part, are under utilized or simply ignored.

Knowing this, I began to give my life a thorough clutter clearing.  The quest being – how do I re-write the narrative of my life?  What old skin do I shed, in order to reveal a life richer in meaning and more congruent in action?

So what are my stories?  I’ll just start with one story that has stayed with me all my life.  Ready…here it is:

I will never have enough money (aka. I will always struggle with money)

Since my earliest memory, money has been a struggle.  Whether representing the dysfunctional relationship of my parents (their constant struggle over money) to my early relationship with debt which would eventually lead to bankruptcy.  So much of my energy and time has been consumed by my old belief system on money.

Well it’s time time to re-write the story of my life.  Its time to change my beliefs.

Today’s Thought

We are so used to seeing our grocery store and department stores filled to capacity. Anything and everything we want, there for our choosing.

So what happens when we no longer have access to the “niceties” we have so grown accustomed too?

Can you live smaller?

What is the balance that finds an equilibrium between want and need?

I have already begun to look at my life this way. To see what I can let go of and to appreciate more what is truly valuable (think experiences; not stuff).

I see a change coming. A change that put’s to question how we “measure” our lives and more directly, what is our (you and I) purpose?

We need to think beyond our own existence.   We need to think bigger.

Fear and loathing in the USA


I was recently pointed to an article in the New Yorker called “Doomsday Prep for the Super Rich”.  The article talks about how Silicon Valley executives and their colleagues on Wall Street have been quietly preparing for an array of potential apocalyptic events. So when the SHTF, they’re bailing out!

There are over 7 billion people in the world.  Most of which do not have the resources to “escape” . Yet, our media outlets and so-called leaders (politicians and corporate), the ones who are pandering this fear, are making plans without the rest of us.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I for one will be looking at ways to work with others in harms way should mother nature decide to shake off her human parasites or North Korea’s delusional regime push the nuclear holocaust button.

To grab my shit and run is not an options.

We will need thoughtful and courageous leaders to guide us through difficult times. We, collectively, can work towards a better world for mankind; to bridge our differences and keep our species from some future calamity.

But it helps to know we all have skin in the game.  That just because you have the financial bandwidth, doesn’t mean you have a guaranteed way out.  That is a cowards game where nobody wins.

I notice how strong my reactions was to this article.  I hope you will find a piece of you that lights up when you read the article.  Let us put our money and resources toward the betterment of our collective species.

This way, no one gets left behind.


Today’s Thoughts

Transformation happens when we face that which scares us most.  A quick glance inside typically won’t do.  Transformation is also about getting in contact with our desires; connecting and acknowledging that which burns inside of us.

I believe humans have a huge capacity to hold emotions and desires inside a complex system of avoidance and denial.  It is only through the constant act of “peeling away” the many layers, that we begin to uncover all that is alive in us.  I believe we must become one part archeologist, one part thrill seeker; a balancing act of discovery (involution) and release (exvolution).

The first place to start is simply to notice what is there.  That is the first step on the journey.


Diversion – two stories of trajedy and disollusionment

Read any news site today and you’ll find two very different tragedies that have galvanized the world.  One for it’s scope and devastation; the other for its brutality. Both stories look for answers to the unanswerable – the death of innocent lives born from an anger buried deep within the two perpetrators.

It is also about race.  One man was black.   The other white.  Both lost touch with reason in order to carry out heinous crimes against “other”.  One, an apparent Islamist extremist.  The other, a pure racist. One is dead.  The other faces incarceration for life.

But before all of this, they were both someone’s child.  A fathers son.  A mothers joy, born to a world with infinite possibilities. But somewhere along their respective paths, they diverged.  A switch went off and we lost them forever.

I wonder what lessons we can learn from these two, very different men, who fell into darkness.  Can we find a moment of humility to look back into their stories.  To learn how and why that switch went off.  How they both succumbed to the elixir of hate.  We owe it to ourselves and to those lost in their rampages. We must talk to each other and be open to our collective experiences.

But, can we do this?

A manual for living

The decision to take action comes with risk.  Some times we come out on top and other times we don’t.  Since there is no “manual for living”, everything we do is a grand experiment.  The question is this – can we accept the outcomes as they are?

This is where our ability to reflect and sit (be still) with our experiences becomes critical.  We can observe our passage through the world, without allowing our reactions and/or judgements to pull us one way or another.  We are in an open state of observation.

A perfect way to be in the world considering the potentials in front of us are equally open.






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